Skip to main content

The Trained Response

The young woman answered the door. She was in her mid-twenties. She wore sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt. The night wasn’t cold. It wasn’t warm either. If Nebraska were a youth dance, Spring would be asking Winter to go with him. It would be over the phone, not in person. And only after delivering a picture of Winter that took Spring like three hours to finish the shading on her upper lip.

Winter said yes after her mother, Fall, forced her.

“You are GOING with that boy.”


She hasn’t ditched Spring to dance with her ice-queen friends yet, but it’s only March 8.

Anyway, I handed over the pizza. She handed me back the clipboard. It was time to go. I began to turn away.

With honesty and sincere sentiment, I said, “Enjoy your pizza!”

“You, too!” she said as she shut the door.

Me, too? Me, too, what? Me, too, enjoy the pizza? What pizza? There is no pizza. What pizza would I enjoy in this situation? Mmmmm, pizza.

Thus was the conversation in my head as I walked away.

This happens all the time. I bring pizza. They give me money. I give them pizza. I wish them an enjoyable experience eating it. They do the same in return.

I know better than to hold them culpable for such an easy conversational mistake. Many correct themselves. They say things like, “I mean, have a good night!” But not this gal. She fell victim to the thoughtless, trained response.

Her response was thoughtless, but not ineffective. It struck me. I enjoy pizza like my dog enjoys barking at nothing visible to the human eye. Or like my cat enjoys after-meal cleansing. Or like my kids enjoy being so very loud despite YOUR SISTER IS SLEEPING, SERIOUSLY, BE QUIET.

And, bonus, I get a free driver-sized pizza during my shift, and a drink if I want it.

My body is starting to respond. I’m training it to think that it needs to stockpile gluten, carbohydrates and protein. But mostly carbohydrates. I’m telling the cells around my neck, waist, and back that they need to kick back with a cold Pepsi and enjoy the show. The trained response?

Weight gain. I’m dumping debt. But I’m also dumpy-ing.

I’ve been warning my body for the change that will need to come. I’ve been raising the warning voice. I’ve been telling the cells to start prepping for manliness and cut muscles. I feel like a missionary again. I knock on the metaphorical door and let them know I have an important message that could save their souls. Their response?

“Oh hey, sorry, we ordered a pizza and thought you were the delivery guy.”



Popular posts from this blog

5 Things Every Pizza Delivery Driver Needs for Success

Updated: 2/1/2016.

“How many times has Dave Ramsey said, ‘Deliver pizzas’?” Said someone on the Dave Ramsey forums.The answer is: lots.I hear it often when I listen to his show. That and ‘sell the car.’ (Car payments KILL people’s wealth-building income every month. )Since first posting this list back in December of 2014, I’ve heard great, quality responses and suggestions. The original list of five things has been updated as follows:A kit for receipt convenienceA fuel efficient car with an accurate GPSA need for speedThe “Wow!” extrasA smileThese tips apply no matter what company you drive for. (No pun intended.)Let’s learn something.1. You need a kit for receipt convenienceDon’t underestimate the power of a simple receipt kit. It is as follows:A clipboard. A suitable pen for your clipboard. A cheap, small flashlight with a clamp or a tether.A clipboard and pen are must-haves. It is easier on you. It is easier on them. Not having one demands more of a hungry customer than is necessa…

We're debt free.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are debt free.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.Wanted to talk about being a turkey today. But first, here's a recap of the Baby Steps used in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.Baby Step 1: $1,000 cash in a beginner emergency fundBaby Step 2: Use the debt snowball to pay off all your debt but the houseBaby Step 3: A fully funded emergency fund of 3 to 6 months of expensesBaby Step 4: Invest 15% of your household income into retirementBaby Step 5: Start saving for collegeBaby Step 6: Pay off your home earlyBaby Step 7: Build wealth and give generouslySo we're on step 3. How's it going?It's not.What we're doing now is akin to what happened a lot between baby steps 1 and 2: Save up your $1,000 emergency fundHave an emergencyRepeatExcept we haven't had emergencies. We maintain the $1,000 EF month to month and manage other storms. We've had to repair some vehicles, sure. We also have more income now than we did. We were forking over hundreds to creditors not long ago. Now we can …